Turning 33..

It's my birthday today. I know to some people, at this age, when you have celebrated 33 times, it is not a big deal anymore.

But I guess, this is something I look forward to every year, friends coming together bidding warm wishes. The one time in a year when I feel so blessed and appreciated. And without fail every year he would also find something to make me feel miserable!

Even now when we are separated, a short text from him at 7ish in the morning is enough to just push my spirit down.

I remember..

2 years ago, on the same date I got punched in the face.

A year ago, I got kicked in my stomache.

And this year, although he took Ady with him, I will not let him affect me.

This is a good year, a new beginning with promising journey lying ahead.

So, NO, from this year onwards, it is mine and mine alone.

The sound of a broken heart

It's a bit difficult to describe my situation right now, I mean, some things have changed and yet some have been stalled for quite some time. We have been separated since January this year, tried to reconcile once for the sake of the children and perhaps also because I didn't want to let go.

Or maybe also, it's true what they say, absence makes your heart grows fonder. I actually missed him at times. But we fought again right after and he seemed to behave exactly the way I remember, hence reminded me of why we got separated.

And this year, I spent my raya, not just without him but also without my two kids. He came to pick them up to spend time before raya, and happily informed me two days before raya that he's keeping them for raya too!How's that?

Anyways- I'm just glad I got them back on the second day and we had fun! So now the question is, when am I making it official? How would my life be after that? Over and over again I have been trying to convince myself that I'd be fine with my kids and my job. Would I?

Updates...updates

But actually (I have this tendency of starting my sentence with this phrase)- there's nothing much to update.. Too much to summarise. But like I have already said from the first blog that I wrote.. this is so expected of me. I kinda just remembered that I have a blog which I have not been updating for months now.

And even after months, I'm still stuck at the same spot I was before.

Same husband.

Same job.

Same predicament.

But do you know that tomorrow I'm going for my 'talak' trial- do call it a trial or a proceeding? anyways- i was ' dijatuhkan talak satu' but of course we got back again because I just didn't want to leave just yet. It seems easy, especially when he accidentally opened the gate- all I need to do was run. But I have the kids with me. If I leave, I don't want to run. The kids could have been left behind or hurt in some ways. So.. it's just not the time.

Confession of A Chic Lit Freakaholic

Can you keep a secret?

Promise that you won't tell?

I have just finished reading 'Confession of A Shopaholic'.

For those who still having your eyebrow twisted trying to figure out why the hell this is such a secret, let me just explain. It is like an unwritten rule of all the self acclaimed Chic Lit fan that this book should be one of the top must read book list. Hence, I have been nodding and agreeing with other chic lit fans when they talk about this book, never to expose the real truth.

Even when I finally bought this book, I had to tell people that I lost my copy and needed to refresh my memory before the movie comes out. Not that they asked, but it's like you know.. one of those things you just feel the need to justify.

So what do I think of this book? 5 years ago if I did pick up this book and read it, I would probably just rave about it uncontrollably! But today, I am lil bit more in touch with reality. Though the plot and even some of scenes of impromptu buying- or that part when she just shoved the credit bills and hid it, seemed to be a lil too familiar, in the real world- Becca is married with 2 kids, enemplyed husband and desperately trying to pay her debts while still having this obsession with shopping! In reality, there is no coincidental scene of working at a tv station or the 15th most eligible and richest bachelor swooping my ass of this misery.

But for that whole 3 days of reading the book, I did feel happy. True joy of knowing how this is normal and there are thousand of people like me out there. And for that one moment, I did wish that someone will come and save me. And for that one moment, I did believe it will all be better.

Sipping Kopi Ais at Pak Li..

Geez, I have not update this blog for like ages now, no thanks to my new office. I'm lucky that they still allow us to go on yahoo and facebook. Five months down the road, I don't really know how I feel about my new job. Currently at this point of time, I really don't see myself working there long. I just don't fit in the whole 'integrity' philosophy that they so proudly preach about. And I think some of them are just pure hypocrites!! But comparing them to my plastic trees, I'm not sure who would win, tho'.

So now I'm at Pak Li, desperately looking for openings in Saudi. I've applied like 400 times and it seems that everyone else is going there except for me. Of course this is unfair, I've fought with God and made my peace over and over again. But this is life, I'm sure God has a better plan for me. I sure hope there's a better husband too in that plan. Haha!

Today, 8th March- I am still 10 kg overweight, life has not changed that much. Husband has gone back to being unemployed. Still day dream about life of the riches (sometimes a bit over the top!). But I have good friends around, two kids whom I absolutely blessed with. I have a job. My parents and my siblings. And though I don't want to admit it, but I am happy.

Alhamdullilah.

The Drama in my life..

I can’t even remember when was the last time I sat down and wrote something in my blog… ok a bit dramatic there.. I could always check the date on my previous blog! I know..So many things have happened I don’t even know where to start.. Let me start with my marriage. It got worst at one point. Wanted out. Did things that I should have done a long time ago. But still married. Giving it another try. Husband.. hmm.. changed forawhile, I think. I don’t know. I guess we meet a lot less nowadays to have fights. But there would be that occasional handphone screaming and cursing. Sometimes I wonder how I could always bite my tongue and listen to all the profanity. You see, if I hung up, it will unleashing and even bigger monster. Harder now that I don’t have my friends around me.
Career. I switched job. A new job, still training but with a different training company. Salary wise, not so much but it is a company that I’ve always always wanted to get in. Contract or not, I took it. I figured, if I let go I would probably look back and regret. I believe in change. Good or not, it depends on how you take it. So, there. Nice people. Good food. Love the place. The only setback (apart from being a contract staff) is the location. I got a fever after a week of commuting. And yeah, I don’t think I’ll ever go back to my pre- pregnancy weight. With all the food, free coffee!! (mocha latte at least 3 cups a day!)- it’s almost impossible. Unless I take up the free aerobic session that we have on every Wednesday.
Micasa Su Casa. Still living with my parents. Have no idea no how to actually go out and rent on our own. There are so many things to consider. The nursery, rent, food, utilities, fuel, car, toll..
I guess, it will be a longer wait now.

ps: I'm actually observing a class and on the net at the same time. ;) Pictures above are the series of my moving process. From old job to new.

Thank you

My long over dued thank yous to those who made my 31st birthday, one of the many memorable ones that I have. Reminding myself I have good people surrounding me.. Thank you!!

My stuffy closet!!

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I finally had the guts to clear my closet. Finally putting away my XS an S sized clothes. No longer am I keeping them in case I got back that size again. No longer having dreams and hopes of becoming that small again. Finally...





I carefully packed everything and shoved it under my bed. I don't actually know what to do with it. Don't think any of friends can fit in it (no offence gals..) and some a bit to skimpy to give to Rumah Anak2 Yatim.. so let them be under the bed for now..





But there are still a few which I just refused to give up..Maybe I could pass this on to my future daughters (notice the plural form)..





First, my black really skimpy bare back top which was my ultimate clubbing top..kept for special occasion.. ;)

Second, summer halter dress. We came all the way, man.. had lotsa good times together

Third, my flashy army pants.. hehehe which everyone hates but I wore it only once or twice due to the extreme flashiness of the pants.

Fourth, my very thin brown halter top with my very thin stretchable skirt.. I can't even describe this one!! I can't even remember how many times they came to rescue everytime I got my wardrobe malfunctions!

Fifth, my MNG pedal pusher.. I love this pants so much that I think I overworn it.. notice how faded it is now!



So, be it! I'm not letting go of these. let them be my memoirs of the good old days..

Friends...

It's good to have many friends, rite? May it be a close one or just acquaintances.. but u know.. they can also cause awful lotsa holes in your pocket!! Especially during fasting month!! I'm not complaining, but just wishing I got more doe..hehe..

For the last few weeks, I have been going for like so many buka puasa sessions! Session with my TIKL friends (Teknik schoolmates), my girl power clan, my good friends from Uni and also my girl-school-friends. For some of them we only got to meet during occasions like this, for another some, we are always looking for a reason to eat!Haha.. that of course would be my girl pwer clan!!

At work and sleepy..

Haven't been writing for quite a while.. (what else is new.. )Not that there's nothing interesting.. it has been quite a ride for me.. Drama..drama..drama.. but the end result.. I'm still married to the same husband of mine, still bitching about my life!

We went to our friend's post christening party for her son and that would be the life that I so badly want to live in. Staying at Regency Aparment, party by the gorgeous pool, lovely food and people. I have since then calculated that... I would probably manage to have that but maybe not in this life time. But the reason why I'm telling you all these is not so much of the apartment, but the C.A.K.E. It was a plain butter cake.. but GORGEOUS!
It was from this lady by the name of Tracey, http://www.specialcakes.net/celebrationcakes4.htm

so do check it out people!! I give the cake 6 stars!!